


I'm Tired (so maybe i'll sleep)

by FandomCaptive



Series: I'm Tired [1]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: (Scratching), A bit of child abuse because C!Dream sucks, A super small bit of self harm in chapter 3, Exiled Child Tommy even though it's been a while since that part of the story :), Oof mental health issues go brrr, Please don't read if you're triggered by that, SuicidalInnit, someone help me, what else do I even put here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-12 20:35:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28516503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FandomCaptive/pseuds/FandomCaptive
Summary: Tommyinnit was tired. He was alone in Logstedshire, broken and bruised, and was ready to leave. Forever.If you're so tired, why don't you sleep?
Relationships: None here bois
Series: I'm Tired [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2102295
Comments: 22
Kudos: 287
Collections: Completed stories I've read, Other Fanfoms





	1. I’m Tired, But I Tried

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This fic covers the topic of suicide so please don't read if that'll harm your mental state and health.  
> If you're reading this, and you relate to any of Tommy's thoughts, please know that you are loved. You are not alone no matter how hard it gets. Keep going, okay? I want you to be able to see another sunrise. 
> 
> I love you
> 
> Enjoy :) 
> 
> Ps, chapter two should be up soon. It's almost done, I'm just struggling a little bit due to lack of motivation. Y'all know how that goes *sigh* :)

TommyInnit was tired. He wasn’t the type of tired that could be solved by simply sleeping, no, he was tired in a way that could never be remedied. He was exhausted, so, _so_ tired of being alive. 

And with every passing day, he got closer and closer to finding a way to cure the exhaustion. What better way to cure it than to force himself to sleep forever? 

TommyInnit was going to kill himself. And that was that. 

The best, and worst, part was the fact that nobody would even know for at least a week. Nobody ever visited Logstedshire, well, nobody other than Dream. But not even Dream had shown up for a while. Meaning Tommy was alone with his thoughts.

And they’re terribly scary to be alone with sometimes.

But Tommy wasn’t scared anymore, no, he was ready. And deep down, he was excited. He was filled with anxious excitement at being done with all this. 

Like I said before, Tommy was tired. And he was ready to sleep.

His plan was simple, continue on as best as he could, make it look like he was doing just fine. That way, if someone randomly showed up, they wouldn’t notice. Tommy wasn’t sure if they’d even care, but he wasn’t ready to take the chance of someone becoming upset at his plan, and trying to stop him. 

He would carry on with life until the next time Dream showed up. He’d talk with his friend just like normal, and when the green man left, Tommy would be alone again. He’d be on his own for anywhere between two days and a week and a half. Which was plenty of time for him to die. 

As he thought about it, he realized that his communicator would end up ratting him out, announcing to the world that “TommyInnit tried to swim in lava” or even worse, it would tell people that “TommyInnit died trying to escape TommyInnit.” 

He figured that might happen, his communicator might tell everyone that he had died at his own hand, but that didn’t matter, did it? 

In fact, what if he _wanted_ everyone to know? What if Tommy wanted the people to realize that Tommy actually had the guts to kill himself. Ha. And everyone had called TommyInnit weak.

Tommy wasn’t weak.

Or was he?

As he wandered by himself in the nether, he realized something. Maybe he was weak. Maybe the weak thing to do here would be to kill himself. Maybe he was wrong

Was it weak of him to want to escape? Was it weak of him to want to run from his problems by ending his own life?

Tommy didn’t know. He didn’t know what anything meant, or what he could do about it. He didn’t care if everyone thought he was weak, they already did anyway. He didn’t care if they thought he was strong, he’d be dead in a matter of days. 

He guessed he was a bit of both, strong for having the willpower to deliver the final blow, and weak for not wanting to man up and fight his struggles. 

He didn’t care either way at this point. Tommy was too tired to fight anymore. He didn’t want to continue being angry or upset. He didn’t want anymore wars, he just wanted peace. He wanted to live an amazing life, but TommyInnit didn’t get one of those, now did he? No, he didn’t deserve one. So instead, he wanted to die. 

In fact, just the simple thought, the quiet reminder, that he’d be dead in a few days was enough to calm him down. He found that he could get out of bed in the morning, he could admire the pretty ocean, and get to work on what he had planned for the day. He had a little pep in his step, a last burst of energy before it all ended.

To the average person, Tommy actually seemed… okay. He actually seemed happy, and a little back to normal.

That’s how it always seems to be, isn’t it? The knowledge that the hurt and the pain was almost over seemed to give the suicidal person a little bit of a boost. A last ditch effort to make it just the few more steps it would take until finally being able to kill themselves. 

Most people always assume suicide occurs while someone’s at their lowest point, when they finally hit rock bottom, when they’re just too done with life to do anything other than end it.

But in reality, suicide occurs when you’d least think it would. It sneaks in, a ruthless killer, during the time when you think the depressed person is actually getting better.

Because a person who hit rock bottom rarely has the energy or the motivation to actually kill themselves. If they can't even muster the ability to get up to go to the bathroom until the last minute, how do you think they’d be able to move enough to find a way to die? 

No, it happens when the energy returns, when the urges overwhelm the pain, and the end is in sight. 

Like I said, suicide sneaks in during the moment that you think someone’s getting better. It’s tricky, hiding behind the ruse that the depressed person is okay. 

It’s always silly to assume that someone is okay.

Because in reality, are any of us really, truly, okay? 

When Dream returned for the first time in a week, arriving at Tnret’s flap in order to wake the usually moping and disheartened child with a bright “Hello, Tommy!” He was shocked to find the tent empty.

For a brief second, he was both angry and scared. Had Tommy actually left? Did the annoying teenager actually work up the courage to leave Dream’s care, despite the knowledge that he’d be killed?

But then Dream’s thoughts had been broken by a loud, “Dreammm! My mannn!” And the teenager was sprinting up the path to where Dream was standing. 

Dream was shocked at the sight, to say the least. What had happened to the depressed kid that Dream knew he had completely in his grasp? Tommy seemed happy, bouncing on the heels of his feet in excitement. That was.. not normal.

“I’ve been waiting for you to show up, Big Man. When are you leaving?” Tommy asked.

“That was very contradicting, Tommy. You seemed excited for me to come home, and then asked me to leave right away. Do you not want to hang out with me? I thought we were friends!”

“Oh! No, that’s not how I meant for that to sound. I, uh, I dunno. I just figured you’d be leaving here pretty soon, you know? Gotta go conquer the world and all that.” 

“Well, yeah, I’ll have to leave this evening probably, but I can maybe find a way to stay longer, if you’d like?”

“No, no, no.” Tommy adamantly shook his head, a flash of an emotion that Dream couldn’t place shadowed on his face. 

“No way, Dream, I can’t ask you to do that. No need to take time away for little ol’ me, now is there.” The boy smiled cheekily and Dream raised an eyebrow.

“Alright, Tommy. Well, I guess I’ll leave tonight then. We still have all day though! What would you like to do?”

Tommy promptly started to ramble about all he had planned, but Dream didn’t listen quite as well as he probably should have. The other man was perplexed, trying to understand the teenager’s train of thought. Why did he seem so chipper all of a sudden? Why did he almost sound like he wanted Dream to leave? Tommy _never_ wanted Dream to leave.

In fact, he could remember a time where Tommy had begged and actually cried as Dream tried to step into the water to trident away. The boy _needed_ Dream. 

What was going on?

In the end, Dream left. As he always did. But this time, Tommy was happy to see his green friend leave.

“Alright, Tommy. It’s time for me to go now.” Dream said, ready to hear Tommy’s cries and complaints. Ready to crush the young boy’s hopes once again as Dream denied Tommy the chance to come home.

To his surprise, there were no cries, there were no complaints. No hopes and dreams to crush. Just a smile and a wave from the skinny blond haired boy.

“Okay, Dream! Good luck on your trip home, be safe!”

Dream did a quick double take, blinking a couple times in shock from behind his mask. He shook it off quickly, not wanting Tommy to see through his calm persona. 

Nodding once, he turned his back on the exiled child, and stepped through the portal. He figured he’d been gone for a few days longer than he'd ever been before he’d come back, that way Tommy would be more hesitant to see Dream leave next time. 

Tommy waited until the portal stopped hissing before he let out an excited whoop.

Dream was going home, and Tommy was going to die. Both men were smiling at their plans.


	2. I Tried, I'm Done

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Tommy's finished. The lava calls too loud. 
> 
> *Major trigger warnings for suicide!*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! How are you? I've got about 10 minutes before I have to head to school and I am ✨stressed✨
> 
> There are some huge trigger warnings here, so please head those! Also, read the end notes because there's a big thing on the completion status of this fic. 
> 
> With that, go ahead and read!  
> I hope you enjoy :)

TommyInnit was done. Finished. Ready to call it quits. He took care of a few things, he left some extra food for Mooshroom Henry, hoping that the cow wouldn’t run out before someone came to take care of him, he made sure to tidy up the place, not wanting people to think he was a slob, and Tommy made sure to leave a couple of handwritten notes in the chest under his bed. He was ready for this to happen, but it all felt so surreal. 

He was going to do it. 

And he wasn’t sure how to feel. 

He was excited, he supposed. A little scared, and a little sad. Really, a mixture of the three, along with a few emotions he couldn’t quite place. 

It’s a crazy thing, emotions. There are so many of them, seemingly always floating around. Swirling in your chest and your heart, overtaking your thoughts, blurring your vision. They’re always there. They’re who you are.

And despite all this, Tommy still couldn’t seem to find the right one to describe the way he felt as he finished his final tasks in Logstedshire and took a step through the nether portal. 

He felt a little numb as he walked along the netherrack, finding himself at the very edge of his screaming post. 

He chuckled a little to himself.

“It’s funny how someone could scream, and never be heard, isn’t it?” He asked, not knowing who he was talking to.

“You could scream and scream for hours, going on until your throat burns and your head pounds. But no one would give a crap.” 

There was a pause, almost as if the broken boy was waiting for a response. 

“No one cares if you’re hurting.” He muttered to himself, sitting on the edge, dangling his feet and kicking them a little. 

The lava tempted him, calling to him and reminding TommyInnit that he was just a single moment from what he wanted. He was just one gentle push from the burn and sweet release that the bubbling lava could offer him. 

He sat there in silence for a while, just thinking. About what? He couldn’t tell you. He wasn’t quite sure. But still he sat, thinking. 

Until he took a deep breath through his nose, breaking out of the daze he had found himself in. He shifted a little, stretching and straightening his posture.

“Did you know," He whispered, his voice soft as he spoke to himself and the void. "That in Japan, people take off their shoes before killing themselves because that way others can tell that it wasn’t a murder?” 

Tommy knew he wasn't in Japan, no, he was in the nether, balancing on a dangerous ledge. He was gazing down into the boiling, bubbling, lakes of lava below. The heat radiated all the way up to where the young boy was gently taking off his boots, setting them to the side.

“I’m sure there are many people who want to murder me,” He said with a harsh chuckle. 

There was a pause, he assumed he’d be crying at this point, but he seemingly couldn’t feel any emotions. There were no tears in his eyes, no sadness in his chest. He just felt.. Numb.

“Too bad for them, though, because in the end, I did it myself.”

After saying that one sentence, Tommy finally found an emotion: Anger. It bubbled in his chest the same way the lava bubbled below. He stood to his feet, leaning out into the lava.

“You hear that?!” He shouted, screaming with all his might. “I’m. Going. To. Die. I’m gonna fall into this lava and I’ll be done! Finished! You losers will have to continue, but not me.” He gasped for the hot air as the anger rushed through him.

Nobody was there in the nether, even if they were, they wouldn’t care. Tommy knew that. But still, a small part of him wished that someone would hear his mini tantrum. He wished someone would come ask if he were okay. Tommy just needed a friend to care. 

But alas, TommyInnit doesn’t get happy endings, does he? 

No. All he gets is the echoing sounds of the nether. 

The silence was almost the last straw. Tommy was *this* close to promptly allowing himself to slip off the edge as the only response he was given was the sound of a ghast crying a ways away. 

But he wasn’t ready yet. He thought he was, but then he glanced at his small communicator. The little device that bridged the 2,000 block gap between him and his friends.

He realized he hadn’t even said goodbye. 

In hindsight, sending a goodbye note during the middle of the night would send some flashing warning signals, but Tommy wasn’t really thinking in the moment. His only thought was to say goodbye to his Tubbo.

 _“Hey Tubbo. It’s Tommy, although I suppose you already know that.”_ Tommy typed slowly, his fingers shaking. 

_“Just wanted to say goodbye, that kind of stuff. You’re a good guy. I hate that you left me, but I understand I guess. Everyone does in the end, right? Oh well. I wish you the best, Big Man.”_

Tommy pressed send and set the communicator next to him on the screaming post. If the boy had paid any attention, he would have known that the message he had sent had been sent to everyone, not just Tubbo.

But Tommy lived in ignorance of that one simple mistake. It’s not like it mattered anyway. Nobody cared, right?

Time passed for the boy, he wasn’t sure how much of it had slipped through his fingers, but he knew it had gone by. 

He knew that he had spent the last few minutes of his life sitting there, letting his legs dangle precariously as the lava boiled. As the ghasts screamed, as the piglins grunted. He let the last few minutes of his life pass by in a lonely haze. 

And with that, he laughed. He laughed at the fact that this was how it ended. The great soldier TommyInnit, one of the founders of L’Manburg, the child who had been exiled not once, but twice. The kid who always made it through with a joke and a lighthearted air was finished. His job done. 

The great Theseus was finished. 

And he laughed.

He laughed and he laughed. And with one solid push, he fell. 

Falling, and falling, the red of the nether blending with the orange of the lava.

He barely registers the distant sound of a voice. He feels a faint sharpness against his back as something hit him, but he didn’t have time to think about it before he hit the warm lava that had beckoned to him for so long. 

And then it was dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the deal, folks, I was debating just leaving it with this chapter, but then I decided on creating a bit of a happy ending for this fic, okay? So now, instead of having just two chapters, there's gonna be three! It should come soon!! 
> 
> I really, truly love you guys. If you're feeling hopeless, and lost, and downright alone, if you're contemplating ending your life, please don't. Please, please, please don't. If you're looking for some sort of sign then this is it. Here's your sign.  
> Please. Don't. We all need you here.
> 
> I love you all ❤️  
> ~Cas


	3. I Was Done, But You’ve Taught Me To Continue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Tommy both has a nightmare, and finds out that Techno saved him from his suicide attempt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *PLEASE READ*
> 
> Okay, here's the thing. This was supposed to be two chapters but now it's three and it's stressing me out that this thing is bigger than my original claim. (Anxiety's weird, guys. Please ignore the fact that I'm stressing over something like this) So instead, I'll be posting this chapter and marking the story as complete. Please stick around for "I'm Tired (but you helped me stay awake)" which will be book two in the "I'm Tired" series. The next book will hopefully fix any stress induced plot holes :)
> 
> Sorry that was so long, loves! 
> 
> This chapter has a trigger warning for child abuse (freaking c!dream needs to stop) panic attacks due to a nightmare, and some slight self harm (scratching) If there's something else you would like me to mark as a trigger, let me know :)
> 
> Love you all, enjoy!

Tommy woke abruptly, gasping as he realized where he was.

He was in Logstedshire. But that couldn’t be right, could it? No, he had died. He remembered dying. He knew he had done it. He shouldn’t be waking up in Tnret, hearing the waves down at the beach hit the sand, feeling the heat from the sun fill the tent.

He should be dead. 

Why was he alive?

“Ah, Tommy! So glad you’ve woken up, that was quite a good shot, I must say, but we both knew you wouldn’t actually die, right?” Dream was there all of a sudden, appearing at Tommy’s side and staring down at the boy with a smile on his face, but disappointment clear in his eyes. 

“Why- why aren’t I dead?” Tommy knew he should be fearful of the punishment that Dream was sure to hand out. He knew that Dream would do something later that would make the boy regret his actions. 

But as for right now? For right now Tommy was simply mourning the fact that it had failed. It had _failed._ He was back in Logstedshire now because he hadn’t even managed to kill himself right.

Dream tutted softly, shaking his head and looking down at Tommy with his cold, hating, _loving_ eyes. 

“Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.” He said, pushing the boy’s legs out of the way so that Dream could sit on the edge of the bed. 

“You didn’t really think you could die, did you?”

Tommy looked at Dream with confusion, what did that even mean?

“You didn’t think _I’d let you die,_ did you? Because no! I’m not going to let you kill yourself. That wouldn’t be right.” 

Dream smiled sweetly at Tommy and patted the blond boy’s blanketed leg. 

“No, see, I’m the god here. And I say you can’t die unless I’m the one doing the killing.”

Tommy saw Dream’s eyes practically shine as the man chuckled, shaking his head. Something inside Tommy seemed to break as he realized that he had tried to kill himself and leave Dream. Clearly the man didn’t want him to leave, because he had brought him back!

But no, what was that last part? Dream wanted to be the one to take Tommy’s last life? Dream wouldn’t do that, would he?”

“Wait, Dream what do you mean-” Tommy started, cutting himself off with a gasp and a flinch, curling in on himself as Dream stood abruptly. Tommy wasn’t sure why the man had stood, but he figured it was because he had started to talk. Dream hated it sometimes when the boy spoke. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry Dream.” He panicked, closing his eyes as they began tearing up out of both fear, and exhaustion. He didn’t care if Dream hit him, but he just didn’t want his friend to be mad. 

After he opened his eyes, however, he was shocked to see himself standing by the ocean. Dream was there, clearly smiling from behind the mask he hadn’t had on just a minute ago. 

“It’s nice here, isn’t it? You won’t ever want to leave here, right?” Dream asked calmly.

“Yeah, it’s um- yeah it’s nice.” 

“You didn’t answer the second question, Tommy.”

“Sometimes it’s just hard to stay here, that’s all.” 

Tommy rubbed his eyes tiredly, and found himself cowered in fear in the corner of Pogtopia. It was dark and stuffy and for some reason Dream was there. Tommy knew Dream would help. They were friends, after all. 

But instead of a smile on Dream’s face, there was a blank, but somehow angry, stare. The man crouched to Tommy’s small form and spit the words “what a disappointment” before promptly throwing a punch to Tommy’s cheek. 

“Couldn’t even die right.” was the next statement, said in a harsh snarl. 

The next punch split Tommy’s already trembling lip and Tommy curled even further in on himself, letting out a quiet sob. 

He tried to move away from Dream and his punches, moving to the side. But then he found himself falling. 

Tommy was falling and falling, crying and screaming as nobody heard him.

He hit the ground and got the breath knocked from his lungs, leaving him to huddle in on himself with a quiet whimper, which he knew for a fact was pathetic. 

Next thing he knew, there was Technoblade’s monotone voice coming from right beside Tommy. The boy gasped and whimpered again, pushing himself as far as he could before he felt the stone- no, wait it was wood. A wooden wall was at his back.

“..Fine, Tommy. You’re alright, you’re gonna be fine. Freaking _breathe,_ Tommy. Come on.”

The boy took another choked gasp, gagging on the air that he had greedily tried to breathe in. His hand made its way to his chest, rubbing and scratching roughly as the dull ache that had been resting there felt stronger and more painful. His heart pounded uncomfortably as his whole being shook. 

Calloused hands took hold of Tommy’s wrists, pulling them away from his chest. Prompting a quiet keening noise from the boy.

Techno quickly hushed him, “you’re alright, Tommy. I just don’t want you to rub your skin raw.” 

He finally cracked his eyes open, squinting against sunlight that was flickering through an open window. He was freezing and exhausted, shaking slightly. Techno was sitting criss-cross on the wood floor next to Tommy. 

Techno leaned a little closer upon noticing Tommy’s dull blue eyes opening. 

“You there, Tommy?” He asked hesitantly, hands finally letting go of the boy’s wrists. 

“Are you?” Tommy mewled, the shaking increasing as he caved into himself.

“What do you mean? Of course I’m here. Where else would I be?”

Tommy refused to answer, closing his eyes and roughly rubbing his face as he waited for Techno to disappear. 

Unsure as to what he should do, Techno set a hand on the boy’s shoulder. Half of Tommy wanted to flinch away, knowing that he would be hurt by the hand that was so kindly resting on his shoulder, but the other half wanted to lean into the touch, willing to take the pain later if that meant being comforted in that moment.

The second half won and Tommy leaned heavily into Techno’s touch, which prompted the older man to help Tommy up off the floor, pulling him onto his lap. They sat there together for a long while, Techno holding his little brother tightly, more scared than he cared to admit. 

They had a lot to talk about, a lot to figure out during some difficult conversations. Why Tommy tried to kill himself, why Techno had brought the boy back home only to watch him toss and turn and fling himself out of bed in his nightmare induced panic, why Tommy was bruised and so scared of everything. 

There were things that needed to be addressed, and both of them knew it, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t just sit and hold each other for a while. 

So that’s what they did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!! I hope you enjoyed! I'll try and get "I'm Tired (but you helped me stay awake)" up soon! I have a massive migraine so I hope my writing wasn't too disastrous.
> 
> So long guys! Let me know what you thought :)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, thanks for reading! I hope you liked it, please don't hesitate to leave a comment or kudos or whatever! I want to know what y'all thought.  
> I also want you to know that I'm here if you ever need to chat. I understand the feeling of being alone and it's not a good one. 
> 
> Y'all are the best!! 
> 
> Love you to the moon and back <3
> 
> ~Cas


End file.
